Today I lost my keys. And my mind.
I searched the house up and down. I phoned my MIL to check if Boo had snuck them into her bag. I checked in the washing machine. In the bins – the outside bins. Yuck. Time was ticking by. Twenty whole minutes. That’s a long time to look for keys. I was meant to picking my husband up from work and I started to panic that I wouldn’t be able to get him and he’d be stranded. In quite a tizzy by this point, my MIL asked where usually kept the keys. By the door, obviously.
Guess where the keys were?
By the door. Where they always are.
This ridiculous event led to a total utter meltdown and a good solid 2 hours of tears. I’ve cried so much even my lips are puffy. Pretty sure my eyes will be swollen shut in the morning. Wonderful.
Now, I know that this happens all the time. It’s easy to lose things. No biggie. Laugh it off. Move on. Trouble is, this fed in to my biggest fear: my brain will never recover.
This last week, I have had a real blip. I’ve had a racing heart, lots of nightmares, whirling thoughts and just that horrible horrible feeling that comes with depression and anxiety: a whole body ache that you can’t locate. It’s like having a cold, muscle fatigue, hunger, a headache, tiredness … all rolled into one but with the volume turned down. This horrible background noise that is both physically and mentally uncomfortable. It’s too uncomfortable to ignore. The sensations and emotions are too changeable to forget about – they constantly like to remind you that you just don’t feel right. Feeling like this all week has been incredibly unnerving – I thought I was getting better!
So when I couldn’t find my keys that we’re hiding in plain sight it hit a nerve. My brain doesn’t work. It’s broken. I was a fool to think I could get over this.
I’m happy to say after all the tears that I know that I am starting to get better. I most definitely am not there yet. I’m still fragile. Vulnerable. I need to take care of myself and take it easy. There have been a few things lately that I’ve found tough and it’s knocked me. I need to learn to not be so hard on myself and accept that it’s ok to find it hard sometimes. I just really hate depression and anxiety. It is an awful feeling that traps you. Your mind is your prison cell. I want my freedom. I want to escape this illness.