For some, anxiety can make them manic so they are constantly busy. This is how I am when my anxiety is not too bad. But when my anxiety really ramps up, I become the opposite: frozen. My thoughts are racing round and round in my head but I become so stuck in my thoughts, I feel paralysed and unable to make even a simple decision.
At the end of July, my anxiety went from bad to out of control. Suddenly I felt anxiety buzzing through my veins, keeping me awake, making my chest hurt from the constant tension. Many days passed where I barely moved – I felt like there was so much I needed to do, and so much I needed to process, I couldn’t decide what to do first. Gradually, over the months since then, I have worked incredibly hard to bring my anxiety back down to a manageable level. I no longer spend days sat still, catatonic, stuck in indecision. Well, that was until I started therapy.
Over the last few months I have been working toward starting therapy. Having previously had CBT after the birth of my daughter, I knew that it wouldn’t be easy. But I also knew that once I was ready, it would be worth it. And it is. Yesterday when I felt the tight grip of panic start to envelop me I didn’t curl up in a ball. I forced my limbs outwards. I took up space instead of hiding. I stood up and went outside. Now, if you have ever had a panic attack you will know that going into a wide open space is pretty much the last thing you want to do when you have a panic attack. But I knew that walking and fresh air would be good for me. It was. I still felt like shit. But I got through it. That is a huge step. My hard work is paying off.
But my hard work is also taking its toll. Therapy is HARD. I feel both strengthened and weakened. I feel lifted and weighed down. I feel released and trapped. And now that I have allowed myself to start thinking about it all on a deeper level, once again my thoughts are racing. Once again, I am unable to make a simple decision. Once again I am stuck in indecision.
Should I have a cup of tea?
Should I try to stop crying?
Is that even possible?