Lately I have cried. A lot.
And it’s totally OK.
Since Losing George, we have been in a fog. Clouded by sadness, confusion, loss and despair. I think coping with one miscarriage would have been really hard on us. We would have muddled along and felt pain and loss but I think we would have managed to function. Maybe. Of course, I can’t say that for sure. Maybe if it was just George we had lost, we would still have felt in the same depths of despair that we have. I can’t say how it night have been because that is not our reality. What I do know is that with each loss, the ability to function has diminished. We have lost 4 babies this year. We are not functioning.
Of course, we are parents to a beautiful girl so some amount of functioning has to continue. We do everything we can to appreciate the wonder that she is. We work hard to provide her with opportunities. We try our best to be present in the moment and leave our grief for after bedtime. But we are human. And she is one sparky little girl. I have heard too many times, “Mummy are you sad?”, “Mummy did the baby go?” “Mummy is my sister in there now?” She is 2. She should not be saying those things but that is our life. I start throwing up shortly after the egg is fertilised so Boo gets excited and taps my belly asking how the baby is. When I stop being sick, she knows. She asks if we have to say goodbye to the baby. I don’t know how she knows all these things. But she does. She is perceptive, empathetic and full of love and care. It touches my heart that I am raising such a caring girl. I hate that she sees me like this, but love the human she is.
So we fight hard to make life AWESOME for our AWESOME daughter. We put our smiles on, laugh loud and plan fun days together. But underneath it all, and a lot of the time, right out in the open – we are not OK. We are hurting so badly.
But here is the thing, and it’s an important thing …
IT IS OK TO NOT BE OK.
I’m not shouting that at you. I’m shouting it at me.
I don’t need to feel bad that:
- My tolerance of stressful situations has lessened
- I cry – sob even (ugly tears with snot and mascara everywhere)
- I am indecisive
- I have put on weight
- I have spent money I should have been putting in savings
- I have holed up at home
- I have We have lost 4 babies
- I have stayed in and avoided fun
- I have had countless We have lost 4 babies
- I have been angry
- I have felt suicidal
- I have wished that none of this happened
- I haven’t seen some of my friends
- I need to write a blog to help me process how I feel and can’t just process this quietly behind closes doors
- I sometimes find it easier to talk to internet strangers
- I have been withdrawn
I don’t need to feel bad or guilty about any of that. We have had 4 miscarriages this year. It has been really hard. It is totally normal that I have responded in the way I have. Show me someone who would carry on as normal like nothing had happened. That person doesn’t exist. Sometimes life throws a load of crap at you. Sometimes the tide is so high you can’t fight it. You have to succumb. That is OK. It is totally OK to find difficult situations difficult. You can work really hard to get better (which I am, by the way: medication, counselling, self care etc etc) but that doesn’t mean it will be easy to cope with. That doesn’t suddenly make it all OK.
And do you know what, it feels really good to finally let myself really cry. To stop stressing about the fact that I should be coping better (I don’t – I need to do exactly what I am doing right now). It really helps to admit that this has been unimaginably hard. It is OK to not be OK. Life isn’t always unicorn farts and rainbows, Although I really would love to have my own rainbow, one day.