Well I’ve reread this post over and over and can’t make it flow. I think it’s a representation of how I’m feeling. Nothing fits. Nothing works. So here are my jumbled thoughts on recurrent loss.
This experience has changed me. I am not the same. Each loss has dulled another part of my heart. That sounds very dramatic. And miserable. But in all honesty, recurrent miscarriage is incredibly hard to go through. There is still joy and laughter in my life – but I have a feeling this sadness will lurk in the shadows. It’s right that I carry it though, because I don’t want to forget the babies we’ve lost. I’m not saying it will always be so prevalent – but there will always be a place in my heart for each of our babies.
Losing George was devastating. Having a miscarriage stops you in your tracks. Your immediate future suddenly looks very different and you’re forced to adapt against your will. As that loss has been repeated, I’ve become more and more frozen. Unable to move forward. Unable to breathe. Numb yet in agony. Empty yet full of pain.
I’ve spoken about people saying things that are unhelpful after a miscarriage. Well after 4, people tend not to say anything at all. It’s hard for people to know what to say after one and they become unable to find any words the more it happens. I understand. But it leaves me isolated and alone. I also feel really guilty for all the pain I’m causing. I know that others feel these losses too – both friends and family. I feel guilty that I keep putting them through it too.
So here I am, after 4 recurrent losses in a really short space of time. I’m a muddled mess. My thoughts and feelings are jumbled. I can’t make any decisions and wonder whether I will ever feel better.
This is really hard.