Be kind, always

Yesterday something new happened – someone took offence to something I posted and told me about it. They offered a perspective I hadn’t considered. I’m not hurt by what they said – in fact I think they tried to be considerate in their word choice – but the incident has got me thinking.

 

When I write I always re-read what I have written before posting. I imagine I’m reading it to various people to gauge whether I’m still comfortable posting. Whilst I am incredibly honest and open, I need to be maintain a level of privacy. I also don’t want to hurt or upset anyone with what I say. I’m not really interested in controversy on this blog. Sure, talk to me in person and I might share more of my opinions, but words are powerful and I think it’s important that what I say here is considered.

 

Having said that, this blog is largely an account of what I am going through. Sure, I write about some things in the hope that it will help others but the most popular posts are always the ones that are just me sharing my life. I can’t change my experiences to protect others.

 

The lady I upset yesterday didn’t like that I was posting about miscarriage while I already have a child. But I can’t and wouldn’t change that. I understand our experiences are different. My pain is no less valid than hers. I don’t think I should keep the truth of my experiences hidden in case someone thinks they have it worse. In fact, I strongly believe that we should all be talking a lot more. I don’t share to hurt, compare or judge – I share to show we are all in this together.

 

When this person left a comment my first reaction was sympathy for her. And empathy – I’ve been there. Lashing out at people I love because I can’t deal with the pain I feel. Rather than taking it personally, I automatically presumed that the issue must be with her. Of course, I did reflect on what she said – was her point valid? Should I have changed what I said? Am I in the wrong? But having carefully thought about the words I use, I am happy to stand by my writing. Having said that, I have no problem saying sorry, removing or amending content. We are all only human after all and sometimes that means that our perspective grows or shifts. However, in this case, that doesn’t apply. Loss is loss.

Despite not agreeing with her comment, I also think she had every right to share her opinion in a considerate way. Discussion, debate and accountability is really important in personal growth. But being considerate is hard. It’s all too easy to get angry but I wouldn’t lash out at someone online. You never know what someone is going through and words stay written as a permanent reminder of your anger and hurt. I do not want to memorialise the moments  I am least proud of by leaving my misdirected anger all over other people’s posts. Having said that, I don’t think this person did – I think she managed to hold back. She said I was controversial, not inconsiderate.

 

We are living in a digital world and I don’t think we have perfected online etiquette yet. It’s all too easy to use much stronger words online than you would in person. But there are still very real people behind the screens. Those words can be just as, if not more, powerful. I think we need to be more careful with the words we use online – not more careless. We need to consider what we say, how we respond and react. We need to remember that there are humans reading our words. We need to be kind. And if you don’t like it,  or if it doesn’t resonate with you: move on, scroll past, unfollow.

 

 

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2 comments

  1. I agree that loss is loss no matter the circumstances. I can’t speak from experience, as I don’t have any children yet either (only recurrent loss) but I would imagine that losing a child is in no way less significant just because you already have a living child. In saying that, I understand that sometimes we lash out at others when we experience grief ourselves, as our emotions don’t always follow logic. Thinking of both you and the lady you mention as it sounds as though you are both experiencing your own unique challenges xx

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    • I think the pain I have felt with each miscarriage has been different. I would never compare the experiences to say one was worse than the other – all just incredibly difficult and sad. I think the difference with loss before having my daughter was that I had the added pain of not knowing whether I would ever have a living child. I just want to offer love and support to anyone going through baby loss because it is just heartbreaking. I am sorry for the losses you have had x

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