Life has been a tough slog lately. I’ve spent days in bed wondering if my life was worth living. I’ve been so anxious my chest hurts and nightmares have plagued my sleep. But I wouldn’t change it. Here’s why…
They are intertwined with my DNA. They are part of me. Of course I am devastated that they couldn’t stay longer but I am glad they were here. They have made me kinder, braver, and more compassionate. I am grateful that I got to be their Mum.
He is the kindest, calmest and most understanding man I have ever known. He makes me howl with laughter even when I’m down. He can go toe to toe with me in a debate and will rant about politics all day with me. Having him by my side let’s me know we are on the right path. It’s so so hard, but I know that ultimately we’ve hit the jackpot by finding each other. Whatever the outcome of all our challenges, we will be happy because we are enough.
Recurrent loss has helped heal the scars I carried from PND. I am so overwhelmed with love for Boo and my heart bursts with pride every day. She has been gentle, thoughtful and a ray of sunshine throughout each pregnancy and miscarriage. Despite being 2, she has shown such compassion and love. I feel like I’m finally experiencing that rush of love I expected when she was a newborn. That’s not to say I didn’t love her before – but the outpouring of love I have for her right now is overwhelming. I know, if there is no Rainbow at the end of this storm, that is ok. Because what I have in Boo, is more than enough.
I have grown closer to my family, spent more time with them and been overwhelmed by their support. I adore my family and feel lucky to have them.
This time has helped me develop deeper friendships with my close friends. I am so grateful for them. I have reconnected with old friends and feel so happy to have an opportunity to renew friendships that had drifted apart because of distance and time. Finally I have forged new friendships with a powerful and courageous group of women. I finally feel like I have my tribe.
This blog started to help me work through the trauma of miscarriage. It has given me space to be open and honest with myself. I have started being more honest with my family and friends about how I feel. Not only that, the countless emails and messages I have had from other people saying my vulnerabilty helps them, let’s me know that something good has come out of this dark time.
Being mentally ill has forced me to take a good look at myself. I have spent more time focusing on my own well being to help me get better. I have found myself again. I feel like I will emerge as a butterfly. I’m not there yet, but I know that my life will be better as a result of this crisis.
Of course I am heartbroken that we have said goodbye to 3 babies but I am glad that they were here. I am grateful for all that I am, all that I have and all that is yet to come.