The other day I told my friend that hope is a dangerous emotion and was instantly hit with a wave of sadness. What life am I living if I fear being hopeful? Have I really given up? Am I too scared of taking another chance? Is the consequence of letting myself hope and being let down too devastating? Is this the end of the road?
I don’t think it is. Because no matter how heart broken and scared I am, hope creeps in and gives me the will to go on. I don’t know if we will fall pregnant again. I don’t know if we will miscarry again. I don’t know if we will hold a newborn in our arms and get to bring them home. But I’m not willing to throw in the towel yet. And here’s why:
- The hope that naturally fills my body as I contemplate trying again gives me strength that is greater and more powerful than the pain I feel. I will never stop loving the babies we never got to meet but I also won’t stop living and trying to find joy.
- I’m not ready to let go of my dream yet. Maybe one day I will have to accept that Boo will be an only child, but I’m not there yet.
- I have close friends with similar stories who now have their Rainbow Babies. The thought of filling our house with more joy and laughter gives me courage to keep going.
- I don’t know what the future holds. I’m going to hope that it is full of love and laughter because I don’t want to live my life thinking the worst.
- We haven’t had any testing yet. I want answers before I decide whether to give up or not.
- Carrying a baby isn’t the only way of becoming parents. We have other options such as adoption if that is what is right for our family.
- I fall pregnant very easily so my body is obviously doing something right. Maybe we just haven’t got the right egg at the right time yet.
- Despite the desperate sadnesss I feel, I have still laughed today. I am stronger than I know. I believe in me. I trust myself to know when I’ve had too much. It’s not that time yet.
So yes, hope may be scary but I’m hopeful anyway. One day that may change, but today is not that day.