I haven’t written about miscarriage for a while. It seems like I’ve been writing about my journey through miscarriage forever but in reality it has been just over 4 months. Many of the acute emotional episodes have settled down but there is a pervasive feeling that lingers. It is ever present. It loiters just out of sight but I can still feel its presence. A sort of feeling of being alone in a crowded room.
Since miscarrying, I’ve carried a feeling of loneliness and isolation that I can’t really explain or understand. I understand the empty feeling – the feeling that a part of you is missing – that you are hollow inside. But feeling alone has seemed strange when I’ve been surrounded by so much love.
Today I started reading a book: Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine. Today I Primed has started a book club and it’s wonderful to have a reason to devote time to reading for enjoyment. So after a busy morning, I snuggled down on the sofa and started to read. I got as far as the prologue. Then I put the book down. Suddenly I understood my loneliness.
The loneliness I feel comes from the missing connection with my lost babies. The bond I had with them that has been severed. I’ve tried and tried to feel better and keep busy but that hasn’t addressed what I really need to face; I’m desperately sad that I had to say goodbye to those babies and I miss them. I can’t fix it with medication. I can’t fix it with self care. I can’t fix it with being busy. I just need to grieve and accept that they are gone.
Of course, I still need to do the other things – they help with my mood, and my mental health and wellbeing. But I also need to grieve and not hide from the sadness. It’s scary to face sadness – it feels like the pain of it will consume you. But I have such wonderful people all around me and I know I am strong. I will face the sadness of losing them so I can start to reconnect with the world around me.