A while ago I stopped writing lists. I’ve always loved lists but recently they had started to give me another reason to beat myself up. My lists were getting out of hand and when I didn’t complete the 50 tasks by the end of the day I felt guilty, lazy and like I was failing at parenting. I had scraps of paper all around the house with endless tasks that I would never have time to complete.
So in an attempt to be kind to myself, I stopped writing lists. I told myself that I would do what I could and what didn’t get done, could wait.
Largely, it’s felt good. I have better routine and feel less stressed. I clean the bathroom on Wednesday. It doesn’t need to be on a list to remind me. If it doesn’t get done, I know it will be done soon. I’ve started doing things straight away so that I don’t need a reminder. Where I can, I do chores as soon as I see them. I feel more like the old me and it’s helped with my anxiety.
But today I decided that there is a really important list I want to write. It’s not full of endless tasks. It’s not me filling time so I don’t hear my thoughts. There won’t be 50 items on this list. This list is about me looking after me. It’s about self care. It’s about healing.
I’ve got some time to myself and I really want to make the most of it and use the time wisely. I’ve got a few weeks to sort my head. If you’ve been reading my blog, you’ll know that I’ve been struggling with anxiety.
My chest hurts all the time. I keep having panic attacks. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I worked so hard to recover from PND that I owe it to myself and my family to now work equally hard to restore my calm. Life sometimes throws hardships your way. They can be hard to deal with. I feel like I’ve been sinking further and further for the last while. I’ve tried so hard to do everything I can to be mentally healthy. I’ve used all of the tools in my kit to ‘fix’ myself. But it hasn’t worked. So now I’ve got time to really focus on it. It is time to overcome this anxiety. It is time to get back to me.
So here is my self care list:
- Go back to CBT
- Take new medication and regularly see the doctor
- Get outside everyday
- Find a reason to smile everyday
That’s it. So that is my mission. Simple steps to happiness, strength and calm.
I’ve got this.