When Boo was a baby, she didn’t sleep. She fought against every nap and only stayed asleep if I held her. Throughout the night she woke constantly – I remember one night she woke every 20 minutes. Every 45 minutes was quite normal. I kept thinking that she would suddenly surprise me and sleep. But she didn’t. And I was desperate.
But like all things, nothing stays the same forever. At 21 months, she finally figured it out. She finally worked out how to nap on her own and sleep through in her own bed. It was a revelation.
Sleep. Glorious sleep.
But now I’m chasing sleep for another reason.
If you’ve ever suffered from insomnia, you will know how hideous it is. You are utterly exhausted and desperate for sleep. Begging for sleep. You close your eyes. And …. nothing. Your brain is wide awake. The sleepy feeling has gone but you are still exhausted. So you wait. And wait. And panic because the hours are ticking by. Only 6 hours left if I fall asleep now. 6 hours will be fine. I’ve survived on much less when Boo was little. Oh it’s 4 hours. That’s ok. Four hours is a full cycle of sleep. I will still feel refreshed. It’s 4am. Boo could wake up at 5am. Or 7am. Why can’t I sleep?! 6am. Too late. Boo will wake any … oh I’m feeling sleepy. And just like that as you start to drift off, your toddler alarm clock wakes you up and demands a doghurt downstairs with mines panda and Peppa telly.
Any time that I’ve had insomnia in the past, it’s been down to something that has caused a massive adrenaline rush and anxiety. It takes time to heal. Time to calm down. This time I can’t calm down. So today the doctor decided that he wants me to take new medication to help me calm down. It makes me nervous taking more medication. But if it works, maybe I’ll be sleeping like my cat Penelope. Curled up. Snug. Relaxed. At peace. I’m happy to try the medication if it means I can sleep. Because sleeping like a baby sucks. Frequent waking. Trouble falling asleep. I don’t want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like a cat.