Can I order a new brain? Feeling at at the end of my rope with continued anxiety.

I’ll feel better when we …

I’ll be less anxious when I …

I’ll be happy when …

This knot of anxiety will be gone when …

Anyone else catch themselves trying to give themselves a pep talk with these phrases? 

Lately I’ve been really anxious. I’m sure it is all linked to the miscarriages. They came at the end of a tough couple of years. I felt strong and fit and ready for pregnancy but I hadn’t counted on it not going to plan. Truth be told, I would probably have loved pregnancy and coped well with its stresses and strains. I had spent a lot of time preparing myself for a physically difficult pregnancy and PND (peri and post). What I hadn’t prepared for is miscarriage. Twice. That threw me. And I’ve not quite felt myself since. There’s a twist in my chest that I can’t detangle. A knot that I can’t undo. 

I’ve been using all of my techniques from CBT. Positive thinking. Exercise. Talking. Writing. Setting goals. 

But that pesky knot remains. It’s there when I wake up. It’s there throughout the day. It’s there when I lay in bed. 

And I am FED UP WITH IT. 

I’ve been reassuring myself that this too shall pass. When we get past Boo’s birthday. Once we’ve had our anniversary. When we sort the renovations. When we go on holiday. 

I’ll be relaxed and calm when I’m on holiday with my Etta Loves muslin and a beer in hand

Well. I am currently sat here on holiday. Lovely, hot and sunny Spain. Beautiful village. Scrummy food. Happy times with my family. But the knot in my chest remains. To be honest, I’m at a loss. I haven’t been in this situation before. Usually I feel rubbish until I spit myself into action. But I’ve been taking lots of positive action and I still can’t shift this anxiety. 

Is it hormonal? 

Am I not properly dealing with the miscarriages? 

Is it the anti depressants? 

God I wish I knew. But for now, I have to keep telling myself it will pass and I won’t have this knot of anxiety in my chest forever. 

Who knows – maybe it is all centred around the miscarriages. Maybe I just need to accept it is really hard and carry on with the TLC and self care. It’s not something I can fix; it’s something I just need to go through. I don’t need a new brain, I just need to accept that life is sometimes tough. It will be OK. It will be OK. It will be OK. 

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