You can follow my journey through miscarriage from the start here
Now, I am a big fan of being happy for other people. If someone has something good happen, I will be happy for them even if I don’t like them. It’s just good to celebrate people’s success and happiness. And I’d much rather choose happiness than any other emotion. So it’s something I’ve always done … I choose to celebrate and share joy when other people are happy.
But post miscarriage this gets a little fuzzy. Someone really close to me announced their pregnancy and I was overjoyed. This person has suffered miscarriage and I am so extremely happy for them. I cannot wait to be part of their journey to parenthood. Really bursting with happiness – the kind when you can’t stop smiling. I want to squeeze them so tight so they know that I truly am happy for them.
But there was also a secret sadness. A sadness I would never show them. A sadness knowing our children would have been born weeks apart. I’m not sad for me; I’m sad for the relationship that won’t happen. This feeling was fleeting. I acknowledged it in private and was able to process it and move on. One day, I will have a successful pregnancy and that child will have a relationship with this child. I must look forward and hope.
But since then there have been more and more announcements. I would be 20 weeks with George now so there are bound to be more announcements. But all of a sudden there have been a few in a row. And I’ve not had time to process or take it in … and I feel sad. And I hate it.
I want to feel joy. Pregnancy and birth is magical (even though it often doesn’t feel like that mid puke). I don’t want to lose my joy for other people. I don’t want to feel jealous. Angry. Empty. Sad. Anxious.
But right now, that’s how I feel.
It probably doesn’t help that I’ve just got my period after my second miscarriage. I feel like a big hormonal mess. I feel like that a lot at the moment. Life has been busy so there hasn’t been time for me to deal with my thoughts and feelings. I’ve just had to store everything away to deal with when I have time. It’s not healthy and I can feel it affecting me physically and emotionally but life is just really busy with a toddler.
We are going on holiday so I’m really hoping to be able to unwind and let go of some of these emotions. It is normal to feel them when other people announce their pregnancy when it is something I long for – but I don’t want to hold onto these feelings. And the only way to do that is process them. Think it through. Talk it through. Relax. Breathe. Meditate. Smile. Laugh. Be happy.