If you’ve been reading my blog, you will know that the past couple of months have been ROUGH. We’ve had 2 miscarriages that have been a rollercoaster both physically and emotionally. I’ve seen my mental health take a nose dive and felt the walls closing in.
But then I started blogging. I made a choice that the anxiety would not beat me. I would not fall into the dark depths of depression again. I would be the most honest I’ve ever been and get all the pain, hurt and confusion out of my head. And because of my courage, some great things have happened:
- I have not felt suicidal once since this shit show started. At times I’ve felt very low and anxious, but I’ve definitely not sunk to the bottom of the well. I’ve got up every morning and been able to go about my day (well, when I was physically able). Bit of a big one to open with, but the bottom line is that my mental health is much better. Over the last couple of years I have contemplated not existing a lot. This is really hard for people to hear, I know, but that is why we need to be more open about our mental health. I shouldn’t be keeping that kind of shit secret.
- I’ve spoken to my friends more. I find it hard to be totally honest even with my most cherished and loved friends. I make up for holding the real stuff back by filling the air with endless chat. I forget to ask how they are because I am so busy saying words so that I don’t reveal the real core of how I really am. I wear my heart on my sleeve to make it appear like I’m honest, but hold back. But lately I’ve been more brave. And I feel closer to my friends because of it. And I feel more social too. I don’t want to hide away – they know what’s going on so I don’t need to hide. I want to see the people I love.
- I feel more like Kate than I have done since becoming a mother. I have stood up for myself. I’ve belly laughed. I’ve loved playing with Ivy. I’ve shared more of my ideas at work. I’ve bought new clothes. I’ve read books. I’ve listened to music. I’ve exercised. I have enjoyed being me.
- I’ve loved being with my family. I’ve been blown away by the love and support that has flooded over our little trio. Sometimes it’s easy to take family for granted – but the last few weeks I have been so incredibly grateful for my family near and far. They have been my rock. And it feels good to know that despite the distance between my siblings, we still care for each other deeply. And make each other laugh. And have so much in common. Everyday, I am thankful for the family I was born into, and the family I married into. I am one lucky girl.
- I have found something I love doing. I love writing a blog. I love the community I’ve built on instagram. I am liberated and free and surrounded by people who feel the same way. What a revelation!!! I didn’t do NCT – didn’t feel like I would belong and social anxiety held me back. I always felt like I missed my mother tribe. But I didn’t miss it at all – I just hadn’t found it yet.
- My marriage is awesome. We are both tired and worn out. But we both try to stop and listen. We make each other better people. I am so in love with my husband and feel like we can face anything together.
- I am happy in my own skin. I think my body deserves a medal. It works hard. It’s had some knocks but I am starting to learn to love the skin I’m in. I’m learning to live life now and not wait until I’m a size 12 again. It feels bloody amazing! Seeing all the posts on instagram from @stylemesunday’s Warrior Women Project has really opened my eyes to how much time so many of us waste putting ourselves down and not enjoying life because we our not comfortable in our own bodies. So I’ve made a choice to enjoy my life. Sure, I’m going to carry on going to the gym, but I’m not putting happiness on hold until I reach the goal. I’m going to start being happy now.
- I like who I am. I think I’m a good mum, a good wife and a good friend. I’m funny. I can cook. I am an excellent shopper and I don’t need to be ashamed of it! I am awesome.
And so to the title of today’s post: We rock … like Metallica. On Saturday, my husband was driving us home from a wonderful day spent with my family. It had been perfect. And despite still having intermittent pain and exhaustion, I am feeling much better. I started telling M how proud I am of him and us. I was pretty emotional. Explained how I know it’s been hard on him too and I’m grateful for all he has done to shoulder the burden. Welled up as I told him what a wonderful father he is. Squeezed his hand as I told him that nothing can come between us. We are a team. Together we are stronger. Together we make each other the best versions of ourselves. We are much more together, than we could ever be apart. We stopped at the traffic lights. M turned to me and said, “Yep, we’re just like Metallica. Mediocre musicians on their own, but rock gods when they are together”
Who said romance was dead?!?!