You can read about my journey through miscarriage from the start here
When we lost George, the doctors told us to try again straight away. At first, I felt like I needed time out. I wasn’t sure. Then I really wanted to try again straight away. Then I changed my mind again. And again. Eventually, I decided I couldn’t bare the thought of using contraception and actively preventing pregnancy. So we weren’t trying. But we weren’t not trying.
And who am I kidding? I pretty much get an email, text alert and push notification when I’m about to ovulate. I knew that I was fertile and I welcomed it.
When we realised we were pregnant, I had really mixed feelings. I was not full of joy like I had been with George.
I was anxious.
Then I was hopeful.
Then I was crushed.
Then I was in agony.
This miscarriage has been so painful. A week on and I am still wincing in agony and exhausted from the pain. Emotionally, I feel like I have been through the wringer. M is shattered. We are bickering. The house is a mess. Boo is unsettled and crying and tantrumming more. It is too much.
So we booked a holiday. We were expecting to be pregnant so decided that we would finish doing up the house and forego a holiday this year. But things change. So we are going on holiday. And taking contraception. The doctor advised that we wait at least 2 months and, honestly, it was a relief. As a family, we just need some time off this rollercoaster. We need time to enjoy being us and be in a good place when we are ready to start again.
It’s not the end of our journey. Just a pause. But I am relieved because the thought of facing another miscarriage is terrifying. Instead, I’m going to have a summer of sun, sand and sangria.
Next: Being caught off guard