You can read more about my journey through loss here.
There is a lot I have to be upset about right now. I’m going through the second miscarriage in as many months. I feel defeated. I feel like there’s something wrong with me. What hope I did have has been seriously knocked.
But last night I was overcome with gratitude.
We had a late night trip to hospital because I was in severe pain that had me curled up in a ball down my left side. I just wanted to get checked out. It’s scary knowing you have increased risk of an ectopic pregnancy and feeling one sided pain. So despite feeling like a right plonker for going to the hospital again, I knew I valued my future fertility enough to put my embarrassment aside.
Friday night in A&E is quite the experience. There was a young bloke swearing up a storm claiming he had a broken jaw. Spitting blood, kicking bins, removing clothes … it was quite the show. Helped keep me distracted from the intense pain.
When the doctor assessed me he asked for a urine sample to check that I am pregnant. I went to the toilet and started to properly wail. I wasn’t pregnant anymore. I was miscarrying. I was bleeding heavily. I went back to my cubicle and hugged my husband while letting out primal heaving sobs. Not again. Not again. Not again.
The doctor confirmed I was no longer pregnant but was so kind. He said despite being early, it is still classified as a miscarriage. This made me feel reassured that it was real – there was a baby that just stayed a really short time. He said what I am going through will still be just as painful physically and emotionally. Actually, so far this miscarriage hurts a lot more than when we lost George – physically that is. Emotionally, well I’m not sure how I feel yet. He drugged me up and we came home. I feel like he gave me permission to grieve and I really appreciated that. I curled up in bed and dreamt about telling people my baby had died. Everyone kept saying ‘I know!’ So I had to keep explaining it was happening again. Horrendous.
But back to why I am grateful. What we are going through is horrible. It strips you bare and makes you so vulnerable and lost. But as we left hospital we had a shining light guiding us home. Our little Boo Bear is such a star. She is hilarious, cute, kind, smart, intuitive, creative and so much more. Knowing we were coming home to Boo made me so grateful for her. I’m clinging on to that today to get me through this horrible horrible day.
I’m not in anyway saying anyone else who is suffering through loss should feel grateful for something. I would never tell you how to feel. It is all so unexpected and I have little control over where my emotions are leading me. I just needed to say that, today, I am thankful for my beautiful daughter.
Next: When it’s over so soon