Pregnancy after loss – expecting the worst

You can follow my journey through miscarriage from the start here.

If you have been reading my milestones of miscarriage posts,  you will know that this pregnancy has already been a roller coaster of emotion. From fear and guilt to hope and excitement. It feels like as soon as my feelings start to change, something new happens. I am finding it much much harder than I expected. When I miscarried, I told myself that it happens to most women and it would be fine next time. But I don’t feel fine and I don’t think the pregnancy is fine.

The last few days I haven’t felt so sick. On Wednesday, I woke with painful cramps. And it’s been really weighing heavily on my mind. I have struggled to keep my thoughts hopeful and positive.
On Monday, I got a positive pregnancy test. I was elated and finally let hope seep in. Then, just like with George, the nausea, vomiting and super smell started to fade. So of course I kept testing. I have a bag full of cheap tests (I use these cheapies first, then Clearblue Digi when I am further along), so why not test? I usually find it reassuring. Piss on all the sticks. Totally normal, rational behaviour (please tell me I’m not alone in this). For the first couple of days the tests got darker. Wahoooo baby!!

Today is Friday. I have had cramps all day. I’ve had them since Wednesday. I feel off. After work, I started to feel sick which had me really excited so I risked taking a test (as a teacher, I haven’t peed for hours so it doesn’t matter that it’s not FMU).

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I have to squint to see a line on this test. The line is there but barely. My period is due tomorrow so by now in all my other pregnancies the test line has been clear.
I am devastated. I have no hope. I just want it to be over. I don’t want to be going through this again.

 

I’m going to go to bed and sleep. As sad as it makes me, I hope that my period comes in the morning so I don’t have to wait for this to be over. I feel crushed.

Next: Finding the positives

One comment

  1. I know exactly how you feel! I remember being pregnant after my miscarriage and absolutely freaking out and peeing on all the sticks in those early days! You’re definitely not alone in that! I am so sorry that it’s so confusing and unclear right now. I truly hope that the pregnancy sticks and works out beautifully! I remember doing meditations and coloring in adult coloring books, taking long walks, and praying like crazy that this pregnancy would work out and it did by the grace of God! Hoping the best for you.

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