You can follow my journey through miscarriage from the start here.
Today I had to finally face up to the denial I’ve been in for the last couple of days.
After taking Boo swimming, I felt really rough. I had a coffee to see if that would perk me up; I’ve been really tired the last few days. It didn’t help, in fact it made me feel worse. I got my husband to drive as I felt my head pounding and my stomach churning. I wanted to get home.
We made it to the traffic lights before I started frantically searching for some kind of receptical. Water tight. Not tiny. Not paper. All that was going round my head was Garth saying ‘If you’re gonna spew, spew into this.’ The item I found was no better than that tiny cup Garth offered Phil in my all time favourite movie. Sadly, unlike Wayne, I could not offer a no honk guarantee. I puked. Into an empty Flame Grilled Steak Real McCoy crisp packet. Let me tell you, coffee vomit, crisp bits and a hot car is not a good combo.
Thankfully, Boo, who has been on top form today, started to laugh and shouted ‘Mummy burped!!’. Trust a toddler to brighten up a situation. Love her.
And so, here is what I am churned up about. I have been really tired (slept 5pm to 7am on Friday night). Headaches. Really tetchy. Everything stinks. And now vomit. The writings on the wall. But I’ve been ignoring it.
For one thing, I’m only a matter of days pregnant. My body is super sensitive to hormones so I get the memo way before the end of the 2 week wait. It’s crazy to let yourself believe you are pregnant this early. But I know I am. Just like last time and the time before, I know. But how I’m feeling goes way beyond it being too soon to tell. This is the most confusing bunch of emotions. On one hand, I really didn’t wanted to share this. But on the other, I really need to write it down. And having now spoken to lots of you reading this, I think my honesty is probably helpful to others and not just me. So I’m going to make myself really vulnerable and face how I am feeling.
Will I lose this baby? Will I stop being worried at 8 weeks? Am I going to be afraid the whole pregnancy? How will I cope if this baby doesn’t make it. Please don’t die little one.
Why is it so easy for me to get pregnant when some of my close friends find this step such a struggle? Why aren’t I excited like I was with George? Why do I wish I wasn’t pregnant? Why can’t I let myself love this little one? Why can’t I smile about it? Why am I hating these symptoms when I missed them so much when I lost George? Why aren’t I grateful that I am lucky enough to get pregnant in the first place?
Will the ICP come back? The itching has only just stopped from Boo’s pregnancy. Will this baby be healthy? Will I get depression again? I’m on anti depressants and they can cause heart defects of taken in the first trimester. But if I stop them will I feel suicidal? How will work take it? I’m already having a formal meeting about time off for the miscarriage – what if I need more time off for this pregnancy? Will I get super fat. Since losing George, I’ve put on weight. I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been and the thought of getting bigger makes me really anxious.
A distinct lack of hope.
I am wilfully not being hopeful. I won’t even let myself contemplate the possibility that I am really pregnant and this baby might be our next family member. I won’t let myself feel joy or excitement. I’ve swerved and avoided those emotions. I do not want to feel anything positive … because I’m afraid that will just make it worse if something goes wrong. So I’ve been ignoring all the signs and burying my feelings.
I hope this passes. This baby deserves my love, even if they don’t make it.