Zombie level tired: welcome to motherhood 

I’ve have always LOVED my sleep.
At uni, I often had dicks (yep, thanks boys) drawn on my face because I passed out first in the middle of a house party. Back then, I used to count how many hours sleep I was about to get and anything less than 8 would have me concerned.
I think I love sleep for 2 reasons:

  1. I hate feeling tired. For me, tiredness is a really unpleasant, all consuming state that I find overwhelming. It makes me irritable and tetchy. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin when I’m tired. I can’t interact with people. All of my thoughts are prefaced with “oh my god I’m so bloody tired”. Basically I’m a toddler who is late for their nap when I’m tired.
  2. Bed is my safe place. I feel secure and less anxious in bed. I’ve always suffered with anxiety to some degree and bed has always been the place I feel cocooned from it all.

Then I became a mother. I wasn’t blessed with a unicorn baby that napped and slept. My little angel only ever napped in my arms. Any attempt to nap in a cot or other suitable device got 10 minutes max then lots of frustrated crying (from both of us). Boo also woke regularly through the night until a couple of months ago. She’s almost 2. That’s almost 2 years of seriously disrupted sleep. I’ve also had issues with raised bile acids (I had ICP in pregnancy that didn’t resolve) causing an exhuastion that seats itself deep in your bones. Plus I breastfed for 21 months. My baby literally sucked my energy out of me.

I have reached zombie tired.

Many days I barely function. I have to write  lists just to remind myself of what I need to do. My memory is shot to shit. But I can’t change it. It’s not one of my normal struggles that I am working to improve. Sleep deprivation is something I have come to accept and I try to deal with it through laughter. Today, I was inspired to write this post by @mumfacegrace on instagram (you can follow her blog at https://mum-face.com/) who asked about things you’ve done when tired. So here is a list of some of the ridiculous things I’ve done because #nosleep

  • Once I searched for my phone. For about an hour. It was in the fridge. I’d left it there because my hands were full with food I was cramming in my face in the hopes it would give me some precious energy.
  • I turned the house upside down looking for my keys. In the end, I found a spare car key and left via the back door hoping that no burglars would think to get in that way. My keys were in the car ignition. Thankfully no burglars had noticed.
  • Instead of coffee in cafetière, water in kettle, I did the opposite. Cleaning coffee grains out of a kettle when you are so knackered your vision is blurry is only hilarious in hindsight.
  • I regularly go upstairs to get something and forget what I’m getting by the time I’ve reached the second step. It usually takes about 10 attempts to finally reach the top of the stairs while still remembering what I’m there for. I still go downstairs empty handed at least 5 more times.
  • The house stank after I put the oven on to cook dinner. I discovered the shrivelled  and cremated remains of 2 jacket potatoes. From 3 days ago. We’d had take away instead (for three days) because I was too tired to cook.
  • I lost the car in town. Could not find it in the tiny car park that I was sure I’d parked in. Started to panic, has someone stolen the car?!?! (Don’t know why I’m so afraid of theft in a sleepy coastal town!) Turns out I was driving my husband’s car so I’d been looking for the wrong vehicle. His car was where I left it.
  • I have left the house without a bra on more times than I would like to admit because I forget to finish getting dressed before putting myself in front of the public.
  • Some days I have to have a long think over whether I should clean the bathroom or just nap. This is a real conflict for me and cleaning always wins. But sometimes I don’t do a deep clean if I’m super space cadet tired. It’s ridiculous the amount of hours I’ve had a battle over whether I can justify napping or not!
  • Knickers felt uncomfortable all day. Back to front.
  • I forget people’s names all the time. I never manage to style it out but just leave an awkward pause and smile where their name should be.
  • Ice creams in cupboard. Cones in freezer.
  • So much money in the bin. Seriously, sleepy me will chuck anything in the bin just to do a quick tidy. Searching through a bin bag full of pooey nappies just to find that fiver … parenting lows.
  • Make tea. Don’t drink tea. Microwave tea. Repeat x 1000 until milk is curdled.
  • Go to the supermarket for bread and milk – leave with ALLLLLL THE CAKE.
  • Sit in the car ‘to let the baby sleep a bit longer’ but really it’s so I can have a power nap.
  • Go to the Starbucks drive through even though I’m only 10 minutes from home because even if I make it home without falling asleep, there’s no guarantee how long I can stay awake and play when I get there.

I actually find all of it pretty funny. Yes it really really sucks. But my husband has currently taken Boo to Nana and Grump’s house so I can nap. He’s pretty ace like that. And it’s totally acceptable to put Peppa on so I can go vacant for 10 minutes in the afternoon. Totally acceptable.

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