Sometimes my mind is like a dog chasing its tail. I try to work my way through something that is worrying me but as soon as I reach the logical end of rational thought, my mind pings back to the beginning and I’m stuck in the high anxiety state again. It’s exhausting.
The other day I posted about how I cancel plans when I am anxious or depressed. It’s true.
But this statement is giving me major anxiety. Because it’s not always true. Sometimes I cancel plans because Boo is ill or napping at the wrong time, or more often than not, my physical health is up shit creak. Again. In fact, since falling pregnant with Boo, my physical health has really suffered. I was really ill throughout pregnancy but was full of hope it would all resolve post partum. It didn’t. I had post partum depression plus ongoing issues caused by the pregnancy. It has been tough. And lonely. And isolating.
So if you are my friend, I love you. I’m sorry I cancel so much. I hate it. Sometimes I do it because I’m struggling to be around people. But often I cancel because I’m just too ill or worn out from being ill.
I had to cancel plans today because Boo fell asleep just before we were meant to leave. Have you tried taking a tired cranky toddler on a play date? It’s hideous. So I didn’t wake her and cancelled. I didn’t go with M and Boo to our nieces birthday because I was feeling really faint. I feel so guilty that M does so much picking up the slack at the moment. And now, I’ve messaged my friend saying I don’t think I can meet tomorrow because I’m feeling really unwell. I’ve had to take antibiotics after miscarrying and fuck me, they are brutal.
The end of my rational train of thought is that it was reasonable cancel and my friends won’t suddenly hate me. But like a dog chasing its tail, I still have heightened anxiety worrying that I’ve let friends down and what they must think of me. Do they know how much I love them and need them? Do they know I really didn’t want to cancel? Should I be doing a better job? Should I have woken Boo, gone to the party and should I meet my friend anyway? How much more will they all put up with me?
I don’t have answers today. I just had to write this down in the hopes that it doesn’t prevent me from sleeping.