Let it be me, let it be me …. I’m really really really really happy! It’s me!
If you have a young child you now have a terrible earworm. Sorry. However, this song went round my head today as I made a choice to do something for me. I’ve been thinking a lot about what is making me feel so down and what has helped me in the past to feel better and how to look after my mental health.
If you know me, you probably know this side of me. The smiley public Kate. Party Kate. I have also always been known as a bit of a sweary, wine guzzling, wild, dancing, party girl. I loved going out. I loved the ritual of getting ready. Of enjoying that first chilled drink. And the many that followed. The crazy dance moves that made my body feel good. Feeling hot. Feeling confident. I loved spending time with friends. Chatting shit all night. Talking about anything and everything.
Now, since Boo I have been out. A couple of times. And, despite the infrequency, it has been AWESOME! Last time I went out, I conceived a baby. Nothing like feeling great to make you horny. Sadly, I can’t go out with the freedom I used to. I don’t drink as much. Staying out is harder. Hangovers are hell with a toddler. But I have been out and I have more plans on the horizon. But maybe I need to figure out a way to fit it in more, or work out a way for my friendships to be more prevalent in my life. Friendship is so important. I had a play date today with a good friend and it was so great to hang out and chat. When I’m down I isolate myself, but I need to learn to trust my friends with my vulnerability. I think I’m starting to do better with that.
But, the other side of me, the shy introverted side feels bombarded. I used to love reading. Running. Cooking. Craft projects. Tidying and sorting. Painting my nails. All solitary pursuits that gave me joy and kept me calm, centred and self assured. I have always treasured quiet time alone. Pretty hard with a toddler.
No wonder I’ve been having an identity crisis! I don’t do any of those things. These things were all fundamental to who I was. These things gave me JOY. Not just happiness but joy.
I decided that if I was going to feel better I needed to do better.
For me, what was needed was clear. There is one thing that has helped with my general happiness and mental wellbeing throughout my adulthood: exercise. I used to love running and cycling. Oh it made me feel good in so many ways. But right now, I know I don’t have the discipline or energy to run after Boo goes to sleep. And I don’t have a bike. So today, I rejoined the gym.
I feel goooooood! You know that slight ache that you know will hurt tomorrow but you like it anyway? That real tired feeling. Physical tiredness not just it’s the end of the day tiredness.
Tonight I am going to sleep well and it’s going to be glorious.
*and look, yesterday I cooked. I made a Pavlova and used my Kenwood. That also made me feel good. Feel like I’m giving myself a hug with all these steps in the right direction.