Last night I dreamt that M left me because I had a miscarriage. He was angry at me and blaming me. He was shouting and punching me in the back as I tried to walk away. I was scared and desperate. I was panicked.
It’s a dream that pops up in some guise whenever I have sunk quite low into anxiety and depression hole. These days, I’m usually quite good at keeping negative feelings in check, but sometimes life throws you a curveball, and before you know it you are dealing with the same scenario in dreamland again.
I decided to go over my other tells to see if this was something that I need to take action on.
1. Over eating
If I am feeling down, I eat chocolate. And pizza. And crisps. And get drive thru McDonald’s and throw the bag away so no one knows. I have done all of the above in abundance lately. None of my clothes fit. The dress I wore today is maternity. Boo is 2. I’m feeling like I don’t want to leave the house because of how I look.
It’s taken a lot of learning to become financially responsible. It’s not something that I learned easily. But these days I am good at managing my finances and keeping everything in check. Until I am particularly anxious. Then I spend ALL THE MONEY. I think it’s because I try to counter feeling anxious by not caring at all. Maybe that is the same about food too. It’s also a good distraction looking at pretty things to possess. Maybe if I have more shoes I will feel happier. Maybe if I buy some clothes I won’t feel so ashamed of how I look. Maybe if I spend money on others they will still like me despite my obvious inadequacies as a friend. Well, I have some lovely shoes (see above, thank you Office), 6 new dresses and Ivy has a whole raft of new toys.
3. Cancelled plans
I become a recluse and isolated when I am anxious. I get very panicky in social situations when my anxiety is bad so tend to want to stay home to avoid that situation. Well lately I’ve only seen my close relatives and a couple of really trusted close friends. Everything else has been cancelled. This has been made worse by the fact I’ve been signed off sick so have not even had to see colleagues.
Oh. Check. Check. And check.
So having been on this path for a while now I know that I need to take action. I started my antidepressants again. For some, this isn’t right but I know that I’m in too deep right now to climb out by myself. I went out. I forced myself through boo’s swimming lesson and then a family lunch at a pub. I talked to my husband and let him know. Like really honest. And now I’m writing this post. For me, talking has always been the thing to get me through but sometimes I avoid people so I don’t have to do it. My brainwave today was to start this blog and hopefully get used to talking more so that I don’t end up so deep in the hole again. So hopefully, this is the start of something beautiful. Or maybe it will be my only post. I don’t really care though because just writing this out helped me feel better.
*I challenged myself today to take a photo that included more than my face. This was me trying to get Boo to join the photo so that she could hide me. It’s a step in the right direction …